starting 30

I live in dichotomies
and reflect on the mile stone
of reaching another decade
around the sun.

I feel old
and then I don’t
feel old enough.
I listen to jazz
like a good intellectual
and say things like
Miles is so existential
and I want
to punch myself
in the face
when those words vomit
from my mouth.

I think about
the first 10 years of adulthood
and how I don’t remember
the first half
because maybe nothing happened
but rather, I was dead.

And the last half
has been a zombie
trying to be human again
melting the ice
that had gripped
a tired heart.
A heart thats still tired
but still beating.

I’m still chasing pipe dreams
and I hit that pipe every day
because while everyone else
was alive at 22,
I was drowning
in seas of gray,
further and further
until the bedrock
of the sea welcomed me
to my new home
where I stayed
shackled in muck
and blinded by darkness.

Only now,
did I find the surface
and gasped for air
only now,
do I feel like I’m actually
in control of myself.

Only now,
have I accepted
the role of ruler
of my life.
and I think about
how I’m not where
I considered I would be
at 3 decades deep
into this journey
through space,
but I think it’s okay
because even though
like Andre says,
everyone around me playin marriage
or paying child support
or buying houses
I can’t cope –

My tinder profile
is a sea of mirror selfies
and camo
with dead carcasses
and advertisements of hard working, homeowners
who’s only hobby is sports,
not playing, just watching
and its like –
is this really enough for people?

And if it is enough,
why isn’t it enough for me?
because I’m constantly hounded
with questions likes
Whats wrong with you?
When are you are going to get married?
When are you going to have a baby?
like there’s nothing better to do.

Sometimes I feel like
I’m being childish though,
with my pipe in hand
and day dreams of adventures
of a life
that doesn’t included houses, camo
or apple pie –
Because I’m chasing something bigger,
and sometimes I think
it’s a waste of time
and, perhaps I should acquiesce
to the kool aid before me.
Give into my consumeristic tendencies
and buy a big box
to put my camo shit in
and close the blinds
and the rest of the world away from me.
But I’m not ready
to nail myself
inside a coffin just yet.

And it feels like
everyone else wants me
inside these boxes
so they don’t have to worry,
and so they can tell their friends
she’s OK because,
she’s has the correct mile stones
accomplished in order
while looking at me to say
well there’s still time…

I hear people say
you don’t act 30
and I don’t know
what that even means
because what does it mean
to act 30 when I don’t even feel it?
like should I be honored or offended?
but mostly I don’t give a fuck
and maybe that’s what being 30 is.

marriage and children

I was laying in bed, trying to decide what to write about. I mean I was laying in bed, scrolling through videos on Facebook on my phone. You know how that goes, one minute you’re watching a 3 legged cat, the next you’re watching a clip from America’s Got Talent.

I came across a clip from the Steve Harvey show. A woman had said “I’ve always wanted to be a wife and mother. That’s all I want.” She went on to say she had been engaged to a man who then called it off and didn’t give her a clear-cut reason. She said, he’s still trying to contact her but she’s being unresponsive. Steve’s advice was to give him time as the guys obviously not ready to “provide and care for her” (which, can we please get out of the mindset that it’s a mans responsibility to provide and take care of someone else? Are you not capable of providing and caring for yourself?). He told her, she should talk to him and get to the bottom of his apprehension. I think this last part is great advice.

The comments to this video were a lot of women saying she should leave him and not waste her good fertile years on someone who’s almost 30 and doesn’t have their life together. One woman said “I gave my man 2 years. If he didn’t marry me by then, I was out!” and that just seems really unhealthy to me. I guess if you’re upfront with what you’re looking for from the beginning, fair enough. I’m almost 30 though and I don’t feel old enough to get married.

I remember being a teenager, fully expecting to get married and have a family before I was 25 and that seems completely insane now. I knew when I was 13 years old, I didn’t want kids but I kind of thought I didn’t have a choice. I thought these were just things people did and people would always say things like “when you meet the right man” (as if I’m unable to know myself well enough to make a decision) or “what if you meet a great guy who wants kids?” To me it always felt like people were saying that it didn’t really matter what I wanted and I often felt well I guess if that’s what’s expected… I guess that’s what I’ll do. This would be an awful existence for me.

As I got older however, I realized that it’s not the only thing to do with my existence. That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with wanting to do the whole marriage and family thing. I just don’t understand the rush and the anxiety about it all. I don’t understand the pressure to live life one way.

A few years ago when I was about 25, I came home for Christmas. The first question from my aunt whom, I hadn’t seen in a couple years, was “Are you engaged?”

I said “what? no.”

Her response “Well, aren’t you worried?”

“Worried about what?” I asked.

She replied, “…that it won’t happen?”

I don’t remember what I said in response, but I do remember going to pour a very strong drink after. As if my whole value in life is defined by marital status and whether or not I had kids. I don’t understand the pressure surrounding marriage and procreation. Even today, when people ask if I’m married or have kids and I say no, almost ALWAYS the next question is “well how old are you?” and then when I say 29, they sort of sigh with a false sympathy and say “well there’s still time” and “you’re still young”.Ummmm, okay?

I don’t think it’s fair to assume that every single person (woman) wants to get married and wants kids. I don’t care if I get married and honestly, it sounds stressful. I’m sure there are a lot of rewards and there are times that I see how happy my married friends are with each other and sure, it would be nice to have a connection with someone. However, I don’t think that’s the only way to find meaning and purpose or fulfillment in life. I don’t feel unloved, incomplete or empty in my life.

In terms of kids, I personally don’t want my life to be that serious. Bringing life into the world is serious business and I don’t want that responsibility. I like having the freedom to live my life on my own terms. I know a lot of people say “oh I used to say I didn’t want kids until I had them and now my life is so much better” …or whatever. Good for you, that doesn’t change my mind.

I want to reiterate, that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting these things and doing these things. I do think it’s wrong to impose the same life pattern on every single person on the planet. I do think it’s wrong for society and people in relationships to pressure each other to move faster than they’re ready. It is OK to not be ready to make life that serious and if your significant other doesn’t respect that or isn’t okay with your timeline, then the relationship needs to end and that’s OK. It’s OK to not have your life figured by the time you’re 30. We are all just floating on a rock in the middle of a vacuum, trying to find a way to pass the time.

Those are my thoughts for today. Until tomorrow, friends!